Strung Out, Pulled Back In
by happy29
Summary: Ray K learns Fraser's darkest secret. This is a prequel to my upcoming Big Bang project, which will be a sequel to 'Hesitate'


_Authors note_: This is a bit of a teaser for my Big Bang story which will be a sequel to my story _'Hesitate'_. This story is about Ray learning Fraser's darkest secret concerning his recovery from his bullet wound.

Thank you to the amazing butterfly ghost for your awesome beta work!

Ray sat gingerly on the edge of Constable Turnbull's desk. He turned his right ear down towards his shoulder, trying to loosen the tightening muscles in his neck. 'Dislocated shoulder,' the doctor had told him. No wonder it hurt like hell to move his arm. He could hear the grinding of the bones every time he tried to move. That's what happens when you try and stop a Mountie from dropping off the edge of a cliff. Except it wasn't a cliff but a short drop of ten feet. Fraser could have warned him before he ripped his arm out of the socket. He did know the area fairly well, after all. He took Dief running there every other day when the weather permitted. 'A little heads up that he wasn't about to die would have been nice.' Ray thought bitterly as he rubbed his shoulder.

He fingered the bottle of Vicodin the doctor had prescribed and wished his arm would cooperate long enough to be able to twist the cap off. He would just have to wait for Fraser to finish filing his paperwork for Inspector Thatcher.

'Bitchy Ice Queen, can't even let Fraser take me home first before making him finish the damn report. _Hello_… hurting here lady.' Ray stretched his neck again and willed Fraser to hurry it along.

"Excuse me, Detective Kowalski. Might I have a moment of your time?" Inspector Thatcher was standing before Ray with an apprehensive look plastered on her face, or was that smugness? She was a difficult woman to read and Ray wasn't in the mood to try today. He hurt and he wanted to go home.

"Only if you don't make me move and open this bottle for me so I can take some of these pills." Ray held the bottle out to her in unsteady hands. 'Christ, I need to go lie down.'

Thatcher glanced towards Fraser's office and stepped closer to Ray, accepting the bottle and quickly popping the top before dispensing two pills into Ray's upturned hand.

"You want me to swallow them dry? I could use a drop of water, maybe two." Ray was enjoying this moment. 'Not very often the Ice Queen waits on someone else.' Ray bit back a chuckle and just grinned broadly.

"Good Lord you are insufferable." She turned on her heels and headed towards the kitchen of the Consulate.

Returning with a small glass of water, she impatiently handed it over to Ray. "Anything else before I can continue?"

"No, I'm good. Carry on." Ray waved his hand in the air as Thatcher rolled her eyes.

"I see you have some pain medication the doctor has given you and I am under the assumption that Constable Fraser is to take you home and keep an eye on you for the remainder of the week. He has requested a few days off to look after you."

"Is that a problem? He has plenty of days stored up. Hell, he could take the rest of the year off with all his accumulated days."

"Constable Fraser would do no such thing. I will allow him a few days to do whatever it is he feels he needs to do, to get rid of his guilt… but that is it."

"Alright get to your point," Ray tried rubbing the impending headache away from his temples.

Thatcher stepped into Ray's personal space. "I thought I should let you know, Detective, since you are his unofficial partner, that the constable has had some… problems in the past."

Ray tried sliding further back onto Turnbull's desk, but was stuck in Thatcher's bubble. "Oh yeah, what's your point lady? We all got problems."

"Well, some are more serious than others. The Constable's could put other people's lives at risk."

"Excuse me? What kind of problem could Fraser have besides boring someone to death with an Inuit story?" Ray asked incredulously.

"I really don't like to say anything, but given your closeness to him professionally…" Thatcher leaned forward and dropped her voice. "The Constable has a drug problem."

Ray burst out laughing, holding his injured shoulder. "That's the most outlandish thing I've heard in a long time."

She flushed angrily and straightened herself before him. "Fine, have it your way. You either believe me or you don't, but it_ is_ in his personal file for a reason. I would count your pills if I were you, Detective. And keep them close at all times."

Ray sat dumbfounded as the Inspector retreated to her office and closed the door forcefully. He looked at the bottle of pills in his hand and shook his head. 'She's just trying to get under my skin because Fraser's leaving with me.' He pocketed the pills and was about to call for Fraser when he emerged from the far hallway.

"Are you ready?"

"More than ready. Let's get the hell out of here."

Fraser helped Ray settle into the couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table and covering him with a blanket.

"I'm not an invalid, Fraser. I have a dislocated shoulder."

"I know that," Fraser leaned over Ray's covered body and placed a gentle kiss to the top of his spiked hair, before placing a lingering one on Ray's soft lips. "Would you like some popcorn to go with the movie?"

"Absolutely," Ray replied breathlessly.

Fraser brushed a thumb over Ray's lips. "You know, you really scared me today."

"Scared you? Did you happen to see the look on _my_ face as you were tumbling over that edge? _You_ scared the shit out of _me_. Next time, step _over_ the vines."

"Point taken. I will indeed be more careful in the future." Fraser retreated to the kitchen and started the stove to make popcorn. Ray liked it popped fresh, topped with a hint of butter and salt and pepper. "Did you happen to take your pills or do I need to get them for you?" Fraser called from the kitchen.

Ray's closed eye's sprung open. He hesitated before replying. "No, I'm good. The Ice Queen opened the bottle for me while I was waiting for you at the Consulate." Ray let out the chuckle he had repressed earlier in the day. "She even got me a drink of water to go with them." He chewed nervously on his inner cheek as Fraser emerged from the kitchen with a bowl of steaming popcorn.

Settling close to Ray on the couch, Fraser set the bowl of popcorn in his lap and scooped out a handful.

"Hey, you know what the Ice Queen tried to tell me today?" Ray blurted out. Her little tidbit of information had been eating at the back of his brain for the better part of the last hour. Ray laughed nervously as Fraser chewed his mouthful of popcorn. "I mean it's so ridiculous, I laughed in her face."

"What was it concerning?" Fraser inquired.

"You, believe it or not." Ray squirmed a bit on the couch, unsure if he was getting himself more comfortable or trying to scoot away from Fraser in case he got angry. "She tried telling me that you had a drug problem. Can you believe that?" Ray asked uneasily, gauging Fraser's reaction.

Fraser ran a thumb across his eyebrow and cleared his throat. "I didn't realize the Inspector knew. My file was supposed to be closed."

Ray gaped at him. "Fraser, you _serious?_ _You_ had a drug problem? When?"

"Yes, it's a constant struggle. I haven't had a problem for several years." Fraser shifted uneasily on the couch. He placed the forgotten popcorn on the coffee table.

"You're kidding…" Ray sat bewildered, staring at his partner.

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" Fraser asked, his voice full of tension.

"I'm sorry, I just… I didn't think that you were the kind of person to…"

Fraser snapped, cutting his lover off. "To what, Ray? Be human? To feel pain and want it to go away…" his voice trailed off to a near whisper. "By any means necessary."

"I didn't know, I'm sorry." Ray took Fraser's sweaty hand into his own and squeezed it. "Tell me, tell me what happened."

Fraser looked away, in the direction of their bedroom. "You'd never look at me the same. It's best you don't know the details."

"Fraser… look at me," Ray pleaded. "You'd rather I wonder how ugly it was instead? Ben…" Ray took his good arm and turned Fraser's face towards him. "Can you see me looking at you? I still love you."

Fraser cast his eyes towards his lap, closing them tightly. "She had no right to tell you."

"No, you're right, she didn't. You should have told me. So… what was it? What was the problem?"

"If I knew, it wouldn't have been a problem." Fraser let out a shaky breath. He stood up from the couch and ran his hands through his dark hair. "The pills made everything bearable. They silenced all the voices."

"What was it then, Ben?" Ray tried reaching out to his partner, but he moved further away from the couch.

"The drugs? It was too easy. Too easy to get my prescriptions filled, to have new ones written. You'd have thought – in retrospect, that someone should have noticed. The doctors at the very least – but, everyone felt sorry for the Mountie that got shot in the back by his partner."

Ray cringed. 'Oh God, I thought knew that story inside and out. Apparently not'.

"It was the constant badgering from my father's ghost… the constant guilt from Ray, his and mine. The pills… the pills shut them all up… _shut them all out_." Fraser dared to look in Ray's eyes for a hint of understanding.

"Your father's ghost?" Ray asked skeptically.

"You see part of the problem? He never left me alone after he died. He seemed to be trying to make up for all the time he left me alone while he was alive."

"Fraser," Ray began and stopped. "Ben… you ever talk to someone about this before?"

Stifling a laugh, Fraser turned and faced his concerned partner. "Who would believe me? According to everyone, I'm perfect Benton Fraser… everyone's superman."

"What about Vecchio? He was your partner, he would have believed you. And what's this about guilt? Did he make you feel bad about the drugs? 'Cause if he did, I'll kill him when he gets back."

"No, he felt guilty about shooting me. He didn't know about the drugs. He was the first one I needed to silence. I couldn't get him to leave my bedside. He would sit there and talk and talk about how bad he felt and how he wished he could take it back, if he would have just hesitated another split second. He wouldn't stop and that made it all the worse. I would pretend to be asleep and he would pretend he didn't know I was faking. I didn't need reminding what I had done, but his constant presence and his guilt loomed over me."

"Didn't you ever want to tell him to just 'fuck off'?"

"Oh believe me… I told him that plenty in my head, screamed and shouted it. But I could never get it to come through my brain to mouth filter. Some time passed and the pills silenced them, all of them, the more I took, the quieter they became. Then we went north, Ray and I. And I needed him."

Ray sat staring at Fraser's pacing form, unsure how to read what his lover had just revealed. "You… _needed_ him?"

Shocked, Fraser let out a small laugh. "Not _that_ kind of need…"

"Whew… scared me there for a sec, Ben."

"Help," Fraser clarified. "I realized I needed help_. You're_ the only one I need _that_ way."

The couple shared an affectionate smile. Ray patted the couch cushion beside him and Fraser hesitantly sat down. "Go on," Ray encouraged his lover.

Fraser thought back to the ordeal of being lost, blind and crippled in the woods with his friend, Ray Vecchio. It was a miracle they made it out alive and in one piece, all things considered. "I was beginning to have withdrawal symptoms. Our plane had crashed and coming out of the wreckage blind, I couldn't find my pills in my bag. The one thing I desperately needed, I couldn't find. 'Where is that bottle? If only I could see… all will be fine.' I kept thinking to myself. But it wasn't fine; it would never be fine again. I kept thinking to myself, shamefully, 'Oh God, Ray's going to find out.' And he did. Ray thought I was dehydrated. I led him to believe that, it was partly true. With all of my confusion and disorientation, it made perfect sense. He would never have to know what was really wrong with me."

Fraser rubbed his temples, a headache was forming quickly behind his eyes.

"What's wrong, Ben? Gotta headache?" Ray asked concerned.

"Yes, I'm sorry, Ray – I'll just…" Fraser smiled, briefly. "Get some water."

As Fraser sat down and continued his tale, Ray felt a shudder up his spine. Ben seemed to be reliving his experience, feeling a shadow of the pain he'd gone through in withdrawal. Headache, thirst – what was next? Cravings?

Fraser continued his story while sipping at a glass of water to help the menacing headache. "Ray realized after we had found water, something was still off. I was still in trouble. And the voices I tried so hard to silence, all returned. But Ray's was different this time. It wasn't full of pity, it wasn't placing guilt, it wasn't hatred coming through his words. No… this time, I could hear the genuine concern. He was truly scared for me. The pills made me hear things that were never spoken." Fraser paused and took a calm, cleansing breath. "And I knew I needed his help or I wasn't going to survive, not just being lost in the woods, but beyond that.

Ray squeezed Fraser's thigh when he stopped speaking for several moments. "I'm listening… go on."

Fraser's voice quivered. "I was sitting on the bank of that river, blind as a bat… no legs to carry me anywhere. And my ghost of a father choses that moment to offer up fatherly advice. He was telling me, insisting that I leave Ray behind. To what? Stumble around in the darkness of being blind and completely lose myself? To die like that, alone and afraid? All I had to do was ask for help." He looked into Ray's damp eyes, moisture filling his own. "Do you know how hard that was? When I had spent months pushing him away, blocking him out. Ray saw right through superman for the first time, realized that I had been suffering and was just blocking the pain, not dealing with it. He helped me find my way back, not to the perfect Mountie everyone assumed I was, but he helped me find Ben again. Does that answer your question?"

"Yeah, yeah it does."

"You want to know the funny thing about all that time in the woods? My pills were in my bag the whole time. In my frenzy to locate them, I mistook the bottle for something else."

"Maybe it was your sub thingy… subconscious? You know, like you really wanted to stop, but were scared to think about it."

"I knew the instant I unpacked my bag once back home, when I slipped my hand in to pull out the contents and my fingers brushed the hard plastic. I knew it had been some sort of sign."

"So…." Ray approached the subject carefully. "I mean, I kinda know now how it happened, but not exactly what happened. He blushed. This wasn't a conversation he'd ever expected to have with his lover. "What drugs were you on?"

"Oh… all perfectly legal." Fraser's face twisted a little. "Not many people know what a bullet next to the spine feels like, and I was able to play it up for sympathy. I told them I was in constant pain, they kept prescribing me buprenorphine. I told them I couldn't sleep, they gave me benzos. I told them I was anxious – they gave me valium." Fraser laughed bitterly. "I could have strung them along for years."

"But … I mean some of that must be true. I mean, at least at first."

"Maybe. But, eventually I lied. And the lies were getting worse. I was thinking of going out of state with a false ID to get more drugs there." Fraser covered his face. "Me. The perfect Mountie."

"Well, you kicked it, Ben. That's the hardest thing to do. I mean you were on some hard stuff there. That pain killer, it's like morphine, isn't it?

"Yes, and I understand that the class of sleeping tablets I was on is being reclassified, due to problems with addiction. I'll always be careful in the future. I'm almost afraid to take an aspirin at times."

"Don't worry, Ben. I'll look after you. You can always ask me for help."

He tried to make a joke of it, not exactly the conversation he anticipated having when they got home. "So, it's all under control now, right?" Ray asked hesitantly. "I don't need to worry about counting my pills or anything... do I?"

Fraser turned from him, hurt and humiliation clearly written on his face. "No," he whispered. "You don't have to worry about any of that, anymore."

Fraser's breath hitched and Ray knew he'd said the wrong thing. "Ben? I'm sorry, I was only joking."

"I know." Fraser withdrew his hand and stood with his back to Ray. "Maybe it's not a joke though," he said, "maybe you should count the damn pills."

'_What the fuck?_' Ray's thoughts screamed in his head. 'Is he serious?' Painfully, Ray got to his feet and followed Ben to the kitchen, where he was leaning against the sink.

"I'm sorry, Ray," he whispered. "Talking about it like this - it's brought back a lot of bad memories, and... feelings, that I thought I had coped with. Maybe I just - brushed them under the carpet."

"Why do you always do that? Is that some coping mechanism they teach you up in Canada?"

"You don't have to worry about your pills, Ray." Fraser spoke quietly. "Vicodin never did anything for me anyway."

"Pain that bad, huh?" Ray placed a sympathetic hand atop Fraser's on the counter.

"Yes, it was that bad." Ben closed his eyes and could feel the bullet pressing into his spine.

Ray took his arms and turned Ben to face him, placing a gentle kiss on his trembling lips. "How about now?"

"Oh, Vicodin still does nothing for me," he gave Ray a lopsided grin. "Your kisses on the other hand..." He snaked both arms around Ray's slender waist, pulling him close. He placed butterfly kisses on Ray's cheek, before moving to his earlobe and eventually just below the collar of his t-shirt. "Your kisses are another matter, entirely."

"Mmmm, I like that, Frase," Ray's breathing increased as Fraser backed them out of the kitchen and into their bedroom.

He pulled Ray's shirt up over his head and ran his strong hands down Ray's smooth chest to the waistband of his jeans. With sure fingers, he popped the button and slid the zipper down, never taking his slate blue eyes off Ray's stubbled face." I love you, you know that right?" His firm hands gripped Ray's hips and pulled him close.

"Yes, I know..." Ray knew what Fraser was doing, he was trying to distract him with sex. He had stopped talking about the issue at hand and Ray was beginning to understand this was how Fraser coped. 'I'm not a fucking coping mechanism... _I'm not_… but God that feels good.'

Ray lay wrapped in Fraser's arms, his breathing finally under control. "Great distraction, Ben," he breathed out slowly before continuing. "But why don't you trust me with the big stuff? You know everything about me, but _you_, you're like a fucking iceberg."

Ben lifted his head off his pillow and stared at Ray. "You think I'm cold?"

"I think you're _dangerous_, is what I think. To yourself."

Fraser sat up in bed and Ray followed suit, wincing when his shoulder protested the movement.

"You're not cold, okay and you're not an island. But you'd sooner keep yourself aloft, all oof, aloof… what the fuck ever… than tell anyone, that anything's bothering you."

Fraser shifted uneasily on the bed and Ray nudged closer. "Icebergs crack, you know…" Ray's words caught in his throat. And I… I don't want you to crack."

"Nobody wants to hear about my problems, Ray."

"_I do numbnuts_! Haven't you figured that out yet?"

"Oh… well _numbnuts_ would certainly go with the cold, Ray."

Ray slapped a hand across Fraser's bare chest and both men start laughing, breaking the quickly forming ice between them.

"I can't believe you said that, Ben!"

Fraser smiled and leaned in for a kiss. Ray sat back and pushed a hand into Ben's chest.

"Hey, you're distracting me again."

Fraser sighed feeling somewhat defeated. "Okay. _Maybe_… maybe that is something I do."

"With all your Inuit tales and caribou stories and you're pedant, pendant, peduntory…"

"Pedantry."

"Yeah, that."

"I don't mean to."

"So, why do it?"

"I think… I think because when I was growing up, I didn't think anyone was interested in _me_. So, I learned the best way to my Grandparents' hearts was through learning, the best way to please my father was to be strong, and the best way to amuse other people was to play the ultimate straight man."

"And you're all those things, Ben, but you've always been more than that to me."

Ray leaned forward and caught Ben's lips in a deep kiss.

"Come back to bed with me, Ray?" Fraser's eyes were pleading this time, not distracting.

Ray wasn't sure if they'd finished their conversation, or just made a start, but this time when Fraser kissed him, he didn't pull back.


End file.
